There's an old joke that the definition of a bitch is a woman who just won't listen. And sadly, what makes it so ironic is that it may well be true.
This question has been dogging me in writing the book. So many women are accused of being a bitch by men if they make demands, get angry or take charge of situations. And yet it's these very things that turn you on.
Is it just certain men who think like that or have you thought or called a woman a bitch at some point in your life. If so, what prompted it. And how does it differ from a dominant woman.
Is it that the same behavior that warrants being called that - suddenly get desirable when a spanking is attached to it?
What's up with that? I'd like to clear it up for the women.
Monica
I would say a bitch is one who is not confidant in herself and while she might appear to be dominate to some, she is quite the opposite.
ReplyDeleteI've always held the perception among women of this derogatory term that "bitch" was a designation given women who viewed men in no redeeming light or quality and were only obstacles to be defeated and destroyed. They wish to exclude and isolate men from their lives.
ReplyDeleteDominant women on the other hand believe men are best served for their own sake and that of the dominant when lead and made submissive to themselves. They wish to help men be better partners in an inclusive mutual relationship, appearing admittedly harsh at times when power was challenged.
A lot of men - and sadly, quite a few women - buy into the traditional expectation that women should be deferential and accommodating. You know, a strong-willed man is "assertive" (good) whereas a strong-willed woman is "aggressive" (bad). So an assertive woman becomes an aggressive woman becomes a bitch, to this skewed way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteIn a vanilla social/business interaction, a person who is overly assertive, demanding, unyielding can be unpleasant (regardless of gender). In a spanking scenario, of course, all those characteristics are positively assets for the spanker (in the eyes of the spankee).
A bitch is an ego centered female who complains and knit picks about everything. Nothing makes her happy. She wants to be catered to at all times.
ReplyDeleteThis is in stark contrast to a woman who does things for her husband instead of herself including spanking him for things he wants to be spanked for. In the spanked hubby blog, his wife was asked why do you spank your husband? Answer because he wants me to.
I don't think any MANY WANTS TO LIVE WITH OR BE SPANKED BY A BITCH. We want a woman who is willing to enforce the rules agreed to by the parties in the manner agreed to. Rules can also be codified behavior (as knowingly improper)
Miss Francy, I agree with anonymous.
ReplyDeletePut simply, a bitch is a self-centered selfish bitch. She is not a strong woman. On the contrary, a bitch is a weak woman who only attempts to manipulate men, whether through a show of domination or through a show of submissiveness.
A strong woman is both caring and unafraid.
funny thing, only lover who ever spanked me was a bitch. the spanking was wonderful, but out of bed all she did was verballly abuse me.so I dumped her. spent many years in therapy before I figured out that abuse felt like love to me. but I've alrady said too much
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Francy,
ReplyDeleteA bitch is self-centered and just plain selfish. The best F/M spankers are loving and giving and concerned about the welfare and behavior of those they spank.
Respectfully yours,
jm
I don't think Women are frequently labelled "bitches" as a result of effectively taking charge of a situation. Certainly less often than the "making demands" and "getting angry" circumstances.
ReplyDeleteTo me, the HUGE difference between a Domme and a Bitch is that bitches are seldom effectively in charge of any aspects of their own lives. They're fuck-ups.
People who know them realize that and are extremely hesitant to let them take control of anything important.
True Dommes, by contrast, tend to be smart, accomplished, and disciplined. And most people, including men, have no problem with them taking charge of a situation where they have expertise.
But I have a unique idea about what Dommes are, I guess. Has little to do with kink.
I think everyone who has left a comment hit the nail on the head. The true difference between a bitch and a dominant woman is selfishness. I recently made the tough choice to leave a woman who finally agreed to spank me, and after a couple of good spankings I was really taking to the relationship. But as it turned out, there was no effort as a result of my desires to be spanked. She simply used that to be useless and lazy.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, what a question!
ReplyDeleteI concur with much of what has already been written, but offer this:
A bitch lacks the confidence and self-respect that men like myself worship and adore in women. Consequently she often has jealousy issues regarding male attention. Thus, she creates scenarios where attention must be paid to her, regardless of how ridiculous her bitchy behavior may be. Bitches prefer to cut men down and make them insecure, thus easier to control and manipulate. Bitches make far better spankees than spankers.
Dominant women exude confidence. They don't need to whine, nag or insult. If you aren't up to their standards of male behavior, you'll be corrected properly. If that behavior persists, you'll be discarded. They get what they want because they know what it is they require. There is rarely an attention deficit in their lives, on the contrary, they often must schedule solitude because of the demands of popularity. And when they choose the company of men, they want to see the man grow and evolve to become stronger and better. The best dominant women know that this is best accomplished through traditional disciplinary methods. Those methods persevere because they work!
Very simple.
ReplyDeleteBitch will not spanky you.
Strong woman will tan you at the drop of a hat.
Chris AKA Spanky
A male equivalent of a "bitch" is an "asshole". A dominant female, just as a dominant male, has some positive qualities that back up her position. Not that it is necessarily all good, for example, Saddam Hussein was dominant. But if we look at generally constructive traits, a dominant woman tends to be a leader that others follow by choice, or in some cases, "can not help but follow" through love and/or lust.
ReplyDelete"S"
For me, it is the same as why I would call a man a bastard. It is someone who has no integrity or decency. Someone dishonest and unkind. Someone who does not care about others.
ReplyDeleteIt does not mean someone who is being cruel-to-be-kind sort of thing however. That is strictness and determination or ruthlessness.
My wife can be very cold and distant, most of the time, and is career obsessed. She comes from a very unemotional family that never showed their feelings to each other. When we were first together and then married, she seemed to be quite a bit better than her family at it, and I loved her, so I assumed that being around me (I am very affectionate), she would just slowly get better. The opposite happened. If anything, my nature makes her more lazy about it. She claims to love me if pressed for an answer, but is not naturally affectionate or romantic, nor is she good at flirting with me, and rarely says she loves me, or even hugs me. Her kisses are mechanical. We have sex for physical release a couple of times a month and do well at it, but it lacks any real feeling. When she ignores me for a week or more at a time, sometimes it makes me so angry that I can't hold it in any longer, and then I call her an ice-queen bitch, and scold her for being so emotionally abusive as to ignore me most of the time. This makes her withdraw more, and even though I know this will happen, I just can't take it any more and say it anyway. I think if she makes no effort to improve our marriage soon, it will be time for a divorce. We had two beautiful weeks lately, when she read some things for me, from your spanking site and another, about being wrapped around your wife's finger. I was her submissive and went down on her regularly, did most of the housework, gave up all decision making to her, and was made to delay my own pleasure for a few days at a time as she wished. She spanked me twice. She flirted a little with me and was a little bit affectionate. She seemed to enjoy it all, and I was in marital heaven, but then, without explanation, she just stopped the affection and flirting, and closed off again. I was very hurt. I tried to talk it out, and she shrugged it off. This continued for two weeks, until I finally blew up again and called her a bitch. I guess it was just too much work for her to be nice to me and take the time to treat me as important. Your site and the others were the last of my ideas. I think our 39 year marriage may be over in 2 years, as soon as we both get our social security in addition to our pensions, and can afford to live apart, which is not possible now. I have no ideas left to save this marriage, and she doesn't seem to care about that either. That's what I call a bitch. Bitches aren't strong women, they are cold, distant, unemotional women. Nothing hurts more than being ignored, believe me. Assertive women and the physical pain of spanking are nothing terrible...they would be a welcome condition in this house. Her coldness is far worse than anything you or any woman could do with a spanking.
ReplyDeleteI am the same one who commented on the ice-queen bitch above, also a 9/30/13 letter. I want to also say that I never thought we would get to this. All of our friends think we are this model couple, and they will all be shocked when we do divorce. I have not been the perfect husband, but who is? I always loved her, and we were friends as well. We had two wonderful kids, now grownups. She wanted an equal relationship. We mostly were, but I always knew that was impossible, that someone needed to occasionally lead, or no final decisions could be reached on deadlocks of opinion. So I did it, because she seemed unwilling or unable to make a decision. Then I was accused of trying to dominate her. So I tried to give her the power, and now she has refused it. What DOES this stone-cold bitch want? I don't know, and doubt I ever will. I am just so sad over all this. I wish my life could be a do-over. I would never go after her again.
ReplyDeleteOne more time, I have to speak about the ice-queen. We also tried marriage counseling and the Marriage Encounter program, but all benefits were short-lived. You can't be the only one trying in a marriage and make it work. For her, any kind of marriage work is too much work, too much time taken from her job or the all-consuming needs of her family of many sisters and a brother. That is a bitch, who oddly enough, is seen as a sweetie-pie by her family and our friends. That's because she will take time for anyone except me. None of them have had the icicle shoved in there gut repeatedly. Why did I hang in there this long? Oddly enough, love and hope. She does have many redeeming qualities. None of them have anything to do with marriage, however.
ReplyDeleteIf after I divorce her, I hope I can find a woman who truly loves me, enjoys my silly nature, my affection and sexual appetite, and shows me the loving affection and flirting that I have missed out on, all my life. If she wants to be in charge, or even spank me sometimes as part of that love, that would be fine too, but not necessary, as long as I could be very important in her life. She has to basically like men, and like and love me in particular. I think that is my current wife's biggest problem. As a gender, she really doesn't like us (men in general) very much. I was just a way for her to get children. No more cold bitches for me.
ReplyDeleteMs. Wilder, I am the author of the 4 blogs above, with the ice-queen. I purchased your ebooks today on 9/30/13, although I have no expectation it will help my marriage with this woman. It will give me hope for a future relationship, to read them. For privacy sake, I will not give my full name here, but you may recognize the order as Charles. Please reply to the blogs above, if you have any good advice for me and other men, stuck in a loveless marriage. You come across as so wise, and you really seem to understand men and more importantly, I can tell you really like us as a gender. Your opinions on my situation would be most welcome. Other readers too; I welcome your thoughts as well.
ReplyDeleteHi Charles,
ReplyDeleteHmmm ... you are definitely in a fix, I fear. You're right, I do like men as a gender (and as lovers and companions, too!) But there are definitely women who don't and there are many people(women AND men) who are naturally emotionally cold people.
Unfortunately, I don't believe people like that will ever change although I did have an experience like that once in my life that proved me wrong.
I am, by nature, a very affectionate, physical person and found myself in a relationship with a man who, I eventually discovered, was not. I didn't realize it until I was pulled in emotionally and it was physically painful to not be touched. It wasn't even public displays, it was private displays that he withheld as well. Oddly, he loved that I was affectionate. I spoke to him about it on a few occasions and he told me I was needy. I then began to notice little emotional cruelties he meted out to me and when I called him on them, I could see him fighting a sarcastic smile.
I left him.
Years later I bumped into him at a party - he was there with a beautiful young woman. At one point he pulled me aside, and to my surprise, he apologized to me. He said he had recently had the experience of falling in love with a woman COLDER than he was. - and found himself in MY position of having to ask and eventually beg for her to touch him.
I tell you this because I think that people like that will never change as long as they are with someone who is wanting more from them. It seems the more they are prodded the more they dig in their heels. And, frankly, I think they get a kind of sadistic pleasure from withholding - it's a weird form of power.
All this to say, I think that you are right to plan to split from this woman. I fear you will never find the love and affection you deserve from her.
Good luck!
Monica
PS. I must add that there is something that happens to women as the go through menopause (having now gone through it myself) that can strongly affect her libido and make her totally uninterested in anything, let alone trying some alternative sexual activity. I'm impressed that she even dove into it for a couple of weeks - I suppose she just lost interest in it.
Monica,
DeleteThank you for your prompt reply. I think you got it right on her being naturally emotionally cold. For her, at 59 yrs as I am, it's not menopause or even that she had a complete hysterectomy about 20 years ago. She has her medicine very well balanced. She is just wired this way, and has always acted this way, it just go progressively worse over time. This guy you mentioned sounds just like her. When we both get our Social Security in 2.5 years, and a few other things are cleared up, we will be able to divorce in a much more comfortable way, hopefully without too much drama, and my life can have a new start. I am looking forward to reading your books, it will give me something to look forward to when I read them. Please expedite the order if you can.
Thanks again,
Charles
Monica,
ReplyDeleteFirst, the good stuff. I am the Charles that you wrote back to on this website above on 10/1/13, who has the ice-queen wife. I really appreciated your advice. It was comforting to be understood by a female for a change.
Now, the not-so-good stuff, I downloaded HTSYM and STMM that I ordered, and instantly encountered frustration. Your website for help, books@wilderstreetpublishing.com is overloaded with over 500 emails and will not receive this message, or I would have never put this on your blogsite.
I am confused and disappointed, because I thought these books were written by you. I was buying your books, based on what I saw on the two websites you mention.
Who is Miss Francy, and why do these books have her name on them, not yours, like I saw on the ones pictured on the websites, which said "By Monica Wilder"? I was inspired by you on your website, not by Miss Francy. Are they the same books, or are the contents different?
Why are the covers not the same on what I received, than what I saw on the websites? Those were very elegant covers with photos, and frankly, the ones I received are way more silly with cartoons and not sexy in the same subtle and elegant way, which I really liked about the photos.
On the website I bought from, it said that due to tough economic times, you were sending all 3 books for the $49.95. So why did I not receive the Tea Party book?
So I am feeling disappointed on several levels; these are not apparently books by you, but by someone named Miss Francy ( I was wanting to read what you had to say, the person I had developed a certain level of trust with, not her), the cover art is not what I expected, I did not receive the Tea Party book, and I am not even sure that the books I received are what I ordered, due to all the differences. Do you know all this all can be construed as false advertising? I know, as I have worked in advertising.
If you still have the originals which I see on the website, that is what I would like sent to me. Please email them to me. If I choose to print them, I want the books with your name on them and the more realistic, erotic covers. I also think that I should have gotten the Tea Party as you promised on the website. I am considering contacting my credit card company on this and cancelling payment, but would rather you kept the money, and I get what I was promised on the website.
Please, both answer the questions above and fix this for me. Thank you. You can find my name in your orders department, as I do not want to show my email address here. Once again, your website for help, books@wilderstreetpublishing.com is overloaded with over 500 emails and will not receive this message, or I would have never put this on your blogsite.
Sincerely yours,
Charles Simmons
Wow, no answer here after 5 days, and no email to me either, explaining all this. Your other reply above came the same day. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, I will have to contact my credit card company and get my money back. Sorry you took this path.
ReplyDeleteCharles Simmons
A bitch to me is a nasty pretty woman. A strong woman is something else. A comfortable thing I would say if you are married to her. I would say my wife was strong though not in a masculine way. More in her character. Funnily enough she is not dominating as that isn't really a strength. Her strength is her love and her accomodation of me.
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